Beards

Perhaps I'm envious because I can't grow a nice beard. Or perhaps I'm just an asshole, but hey, your beard looks dumb. Sure facial hair is cool, just look at Eric Dolphy. No denying that man had some awesome facial hair. But a full beard, I don't know. If you want to sport a beard in style, please consult these guidelines:

1. Length of Chin Rule
Sometimes one needs a beard. The easiest way to tell if you, the reader, are in need of a beard is by measuring your chin. Please consult a mirror before reading further.

Welcome back. I hope you and your chin connected on some sort of new level. Now I'd like to address the five types of chins. Hopefully you'll be able to identify with one:

- No chin. Your chin simply isn't there. Rather, your head is sort of pin-shaped, and your mouth is sort of the go between guy for your head and neck. Don't worry though, I'm sure the gods have compensated for your lack of chin with some other wonderful talent or quality...right? The good news is you pass the beard test. A beard can define a chin even in the chin-absence. Congratulations, and my oh my you need a beard. Grow that immediately.

- Too much chin (a). Sometimes you might have a lot of chin. Sometimes it's genes, sometimes you might just get hungry. There's no blame in either. I ate pre-packaged French toast sticks this morning. I feel for you. If you have a lot of chin, or a couple extra chins, why not cover that up with a grisly beard? Nothing turns shame into pride like a manly beard.

- Too much chin (b). This is not really a double chin. This is a whole lot of chin. I'd like to call it "the Gaston Model." Please observe the picture to the left. This is a Gaston chin. If you have a Gaston chin, you are blessed. You have the most beautiful chin one could ever dream. As manly as a beard may be, it has nothing to add to such a well-crafted chin. This is already as macho as it gets. If you are the proud owner of a Gaston chin, I highly advise you not to grow a beard. You were born with a gift, and it'd be a shame not to let the world revel in its glory. However, if you really want to grow a beard over your shapely chin, please consult the later rules to see if it's in your best interest.

- The cleft. Some may call it a butt-chin, others a dimple, but I like to call it damn good looking. If you have a cleft, it's the next best thing to a Gaston chin. Don't cover this up with a beard, it's just too sexy. And if you have a Gaston length chin with a cleft...my god. You probably aren't even reading this blog. You're probably fighting off ladies left and right. Once again, if you're too tough a dude not to grow a beard, please consult the later rules.

- The normal chin. You're just a normal guy. And that's a good thing. However, the choice to beard or not isn't as easy for you as it may be for others. Do you want to stick out from all the other normal chins? You might want to risk growing a beard. Keep in mind that you simply cannot get away with beardage unless you qualify for a beard in other categories. So, young hopeful, read on.

2. Age
This is an easy one. If you're under 50, you need a beard warrant. You'll need to see if you pass the later tests. If you're 50 or over, welcome to the world of beards. I don't care what type of chin you have. If you wan that beard, grow it. You've earned it alongside that AARP membership. Whoever said it's no good to get old is a crock.

3. Occupation
This isn't as easy to define. Few occupations allow for a beard, while most do not. Here are a few examples you may use to orient yourself. If you are a wizard of sorts and you do not already have a beard, shame on you and your family. If you are a professor or a Mensan, then go for it. If you are a doctor, keep it clean. If you are a professor of computer sciences, I revoke your beard-growing rights. If you're a hipster, you're not too righteous or nonchalant to shave. If you work some form of hard labor, beard. If you can't afford a razor, make up for it with the best damn beard you can grow. If you are a college student, you get a free two week trial beard growing period. If you grow the beard past the acceptable two weeks without the proper chin structure, you are a schmuck.

4. Hair color
Redheads are the only exception to the rules. If you have red hair, grow a beard. I don't care how old you are, what your occupation is, chin size, etc.

5. World Beard and Moustache Championship Competitor
Best of luck to you, there's some really stiff competition. Grow with passion.

6. Female
If you are a female with beard growing capabilities, do it.

Brian Posehn represents the ultimate beard grower. An unlikely combination of no-chin and too much chin as well as the red hair, Posehn has what all beard growers should strive to achieve.

I hope these six simple guidelines help you determine whether or not you are fit to beard. I am a cleft man myself, and I wouldn't have it any other way.